The Silver Lining

So, is anybody out there feeling a little anxious these days? I know I am. The constant roar of bad news coming from all sides--political, economic, global--just seems to get louder and louder. Clearly, many of our esteemed cultural institutions, whether business, government or somewhere in-between (Fannie and Freddie) are on the brink of dissolution. Something has run amok in the very fabric of the systems that underlie our way of life, and that have propped up our so-called "prosperity" for a very long time.

Whenever I hear the politicians fixing blame on Wall Street for its greed and corruption, or hear business people decry the Beltway (Government's superhighway in D.C.) for its laziness and lack of oversight, or the news media rant about the need to help "Main Street," I can't help but wonder how we could have created a street map where none of the streets seem to intersect. Am I the only one who knows people, good people, who work on Wall Street and live on Main Street? Am I the only one who knows people, good people, who work for the Government and live on Main Street? The truth, of course, which we Main Streeters are loathe to admit, is that we are all culpable for this cataclysm. All the streets overlap, all of us got caught up in the fever of buying, borrowing, and consuming--living according to the mantra: more more more.

What I'm hoping is that once the dust settles, the election is over, and the stock market hits some sort of bottom--just as addicts bottom out and start over--that we will all see this breakdown as an opportunity to re-evaluate. There is a silver lining to all this darkness: a chance to clear out the debris on ALL the streets, as it were, and get a fresh start.

One of the key tenets of the Life-Shifting method that I use every day with clients both private and corporate, is the principle that you move through a rut--any kind of rut(and we are certainly in a big one these days)--through the process of release; letting go; releasing what no longer serves you. In this case, it might be fantasies of accumulating real estate that always appreciates, driving at 80 miles an hour without ever getting a speeding ticket, or eating box after box of chocolates without ever gaining a pound. We've all been there: drunk on the pleasures of the moment, piper paying be damned.

What we end up releasing as we come out of a rut, is our story. The story is the narrative that we have told ourselves over and over again, convincing ourselves of its validity in spite of either no evidence or a great deal of evidence to the contrary. It is a sobering experience, letting go of our stories, but it is also a necessary step in the inevitable journey called "growing up." Doesn't it sometimes feel like America, a youthful empire of less than 300 years, acts just like a rebellious, over-reaching, petulant teen-ager? Perhaps the story of adolescent angst and excess and idealism--as sweet as it can be at times--is exactly the collective story whose end is near.

Carl Jung, one of the founders of modern psychology and the sage behind well-known concepts like the archetypes, the shadow, and the collective unconscious, pointed out that most transformative breakthroughs occur only after the ego surrenders its final defenses. Unable to continue propping up an outdated and ultimately destructive narrative, we finally just let it go. In the midst of ego-breakdown, whether on an individual or collective level, it can be very frightening, as the rug of "normalcy" gets pulled right out from under us.

But this disruption, my friends (to use the over-baked McCain adage that makes my blood boil), is a good thing. It signals a collective regime change, the end of a story that is running us into the ground. Something new--a new way of seeing, being, and operating in the world--on individual, collective and even global levels--is waiting to be born. The release-process is messy, for sure. It is painful, no doubt about that. But it is necessary.

Perhaps, at this time when the collective, adolescent story of America's "special" place in the world is finally getting a real comeuppance, it is time for all of us to step back and reflect on the same question: what story do I need to release? What have I been telling myself--over and over--that just gets me into trouble?

Here's a hint to finding what may be an elusive answer: look for a story that, if you were to let it go, feels pretty darn scary. Look for one where you are holding on tight.

Here's another twist that might be helpful: try finishing this sentence: I know that I'm only going to be happy if/when_____. Fill in the blank. Then ask yourself: is this really true? Most of us have fear-based stories that run us like: I'll only be happy if I'm the perfect parent, or I'll only be happy if I have enough money, or lose thirty pounds, or find the perfect soulmate. You get the idea.

These are our stories. Sometimes they are very useful, spurring us on to great aspirations, visions, and creative endeavors. Unfortunately, more often they are like fantasies, with an addictive quality, prompting us to keep striving, stressing, and accumulating--power, money, stuff, and angst.

America is in the midst of a big letting go. No longer the center of, let alone Master of, the universe, perhaps it is time to take our place as an imperfect, wonderful, exasperating experiment among many in the history of nation-states. Humility--a healthier, more mature story of who we are in the world, might just replace hubris. I hope so.

And...what about us Main Streeters? We must do our part--it takes all of our messy, complex, and well-defended individual egos to make up the collective. It is surely time to shed some or our own outworn armor, to discard stories with which we have fooled ourselves--probably for far too long.

I for one, believe in silver linings: A new story awaits.

See you on the other side!

Dr J

Adventures in Waiting...

Do you ever go through periods in life when it feels like NOTHING is happening? I know that the Autumn is supposed to be the season for harvesting, and the Spring is for planting, but I have somehow got the cycle reversed. Lately, it seems that I am planting seeds all over the place--with agents for my book, with potential corporate clients, with interesting seminar possibilities, with media outlets to discus CHANGE (a subject near and dear to my heart...and very much in VOGUE right now!), and on and on--yet, days go by and none of the seeds sprout. Harvesting, in fact, feels a long way off.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm a big believer in the power of seed planting, and readily point out to clients that no matter what time of year it may be, there are times in life when the currents of change may be swirling, but the tide has yet to turn. Changes occur in mysterious ways, as we are all becoming more and more conscious of disturbances in the systems in which we live--in the weather, in politics, in the economy--and the empowered stance to take is to go with the flow. Get in the groove--plant seeds, get out and nurture the possibilities...then be patient. So why is waiting so hard?

I remember when I was the director of HR for a major corporation and I would ask potential job applicants that classic question: what are your weaknesses? Of course, being schooled in interviewing, and hesitant to admit any failings, most of the candidates used for an answer that old saw: "Well,I tend to be impatient at times." Of course, in corporate-speak this was meant to convey that their only real weakness was their desire to constantly push ahead and get results. Hence, impatience would be a strength. Right? I'm not convinced. Patience is clearly a virtue. Impatience--that urgent need to constantly push towards a result--is surely a vice; a vice that trips up most of us from time to time, robbing us of the amazing adventure called "Now"...

Waiting is difficult. When in the "waiting mode," we tend to focus our thoughts on the future and easily lose hours, days, even weeks languishing in our attachment to an uncertain outcome, all at the expense of the beauty and freshness of experiencing life as it happens, in the moment.

Ironically, at some deep level, we all know the truth: the only moment we actually have to experience is NOW. Everything else is a fantasy, an adventure lived purely in our minds. As Eckhart Tolle beautifully reminds us in his book The Power of Now all of the energy we spend mired in the past or speculating about the future is the province of fear, anxiety and ego: "When the pressures of future and past thinking disappear, fear and frustration also vanish, conquered by the moment that life springs forth within you....waking you up."

So my question for today is this: How do we shift from the enervating energy of "waiting" into the life-affirming energy of NOW? It is simple, really, involving three easy steps--recognition, re-focusing, and re-invention. A shift in perspective is all that is really necessary: what I sometimes call "coming home", to yourself.

Here are the three simple steps:

1. Recognize: First we have to wake-up to the fact that our thoughts are spinning fearfully away in to an unknown place, called the future. To shift back to the present moment, use your breath and your body as tools for the mind. Wherever you are, sit down on the floor, cross-legged, back and neck straight, legs relaxed. Take a few deep breaths, and place your hands on each side of your rib cage. Take a deep breath and feel your lungs expand and your hands move in and out with the rhythm of your breath. Recognize where you are RIGHT NOW. Allow your awareness of the focus on the future--what you are waiting for--to shift downward--to your abdomen, to your rib cage, your seat, your entire body, and finally your breath. Welcome back.

2. Re-focus: Next, shift the focus of your attention to the room you are in, the space around you, the objects, smells, sounds, and textures of everything you see, right now. Think about this moment, this day, this hour, and finally...this minute. How does it feel to be alive right now?

3. Re-invent: Finally, think about one thing you could do right now, as soon as you stand up, to re-invent your experience of this day. Ask yourself this question: regardless of how things unfold in the future, how could you make today an adventure? Ask yourself: what does it mean to be alive right now? Ask yourself: what do I have to be grateful for right now? How could I make this day a day of joy, for myself, for those I love, for those I don't even know?

There's no time like the present. Wait no longer. The adventure awaits.

Happy Now!

Dr J

Starting Small

Well, not one to typically court controversy, I have to admit that my last blog post created a bit of a stir. It seems that some folks were less than thrilled to hear that boredom, worry, anxiety--and fear!--cannot always be blamed on biology. I have to admit that I may have erred on the side of sounding draconian (or just Republican?) in suggesting that my client needed to take responsibility for dealing with his life/work circumstances...that perhaps he was not "hardwired" to be miserable.

The point that I was trying to make still holds: fear is a natural response to the changing circumstance of life. Fear, which shows up in the guise of boredom, anxiety, stress, a whole panoply of symptoms, is not typically CAUSED by biology or brain chemistry--genetic or otherwise. Fear is simply our natural, bio-chemical response to the deeper truth that life is constantly shifting. Like the weather, circumstances in our work, relationships, finances, and physicality are always in flux, and as much as we might like things to stabilize and settle down (which they appear to do occasionally, thank god!), sooner or later the winds of change will always come blowing across the landscape of our lives.

What I do acknowledge about my last post, is that I was perhaps a bit too cavalier about just how difficult it can be to get in the flow of life's constant shifts, given that so many of the environmental and external factors are obviously beyond our control--like the general malaise in the country we live in (in this case, the sad state of the U.S. economically and politically...); the shackles we get bound up in financially--like mortgages, credit cards, and car loans; and the mercurial state of the job market. AND, that's before we head off into relationship territory, where the winds of change can bring their own hurricane season (it is any wonder that we personify hurricanes with names?). Being in an intimate relationship can certainly bring on its own perfect storms.

I don't want to minimize the struggle and challenge of moving through major change in life. What I do want to emphasize is that we need to be careful that we don't reinforce the walls of our own self-created prisons--of worry, stress, and anxiety--by being too quick to blame our woes on biology. We all get stuck at times; in fact, on the flip side of any major pinnacle or peak experience there is always a plateau, a leveling off...and that can feel like a real downer.

The key to breaking through the malaise is often quite simple: break the pattern.
Of course, whenever we start to think about breaking a pattern that has become stuck in our lives, the first question is always: how do I do that? the good news is that the answer is simple: start small.

Think about it: ever discover a tiny tear in a pair of jeans or a shirt and then find a day or two later that the little tear has become a rip? Small shifts in a pattern, repeated over time, become BIG CHANGE. Yes, big change is always daunting, sometimes overwhelming...and usually a show-stopper when viewed by itself as the endgame. So start small. Need to lose 30 pounds? Start by focusing on what it would take to lose just one. Then celebrate. Need to reinvent your relationship? Start back at the beginning: take your lover on a date. Need to renovate your career? Start by allowing yourself to daydream about what you love to do. Need to get out and network? Start by figuring out how to meet one new person this week. Just one.

So the next time you feel worried, bored, anxious, or just plain fearful, stop for a moment and think about where you may feel stuck. Remember this paradox: when you feel stuck it means that change is in the works. Ask yourself: what aspect of my life might have outworn its usefulness? What needs to be re-invented, reinvigorated, re-born? Then...take a small, tiny, even infinitesimal step in a new direction.

Soon you'll be off that treadmill of anxiety, worry, and fear...and on your way.

Best of luck,

Dr J

Check the Wiring

Yesterday I had one of those classic moments with a client that never fail to bring the conversation to a dead stand still. He was sharing with me his tendency to, as he put it, "always feel anxious and worried about everything". Like many of us in these economically and politically unstable times, he finds himself constantly fretting about his job, his relationship with his boss and peers, his health, and any number of additional factors that feel "outside of my locus of control". His habit, which many of us can relate to at various times in our lives, is to over think and over analyze just about everything. Of course, hiding out under the guise of worry, anxiety, and stress, is FEAR: fear that he may have screwed up somehow with his boss or co-workers, fear that his job may be in jeopardy, fear that his economic future may be bleak, fear that change is in the works.

The truth is, of course, that change IS in the works. Always. And there's the rub. Yet, recognition of this fact, rather than being the beginning of a conversation about how to move with greater ease through the inevitable shifts that accompany the cycles of life, seems to shut us down. His response to the situation was to declare, in a very off-hand manner--as so many of us do: "oh well, maybe I'm just hardwired to be anxious. I've always been this way."

Really? Hardwired to be anxious, worried and fearful? Have you looked at a baby lately? Or hung out with small children who are living in a secure home with at least one loving parent? In general, well-fed kids (poverty is another thing entirely) are relaxed, spontaneous, playful, and full of life. Since when did it become in vogue to blame our adult anxieties, fears and worries on so-called "hardwiring"? What does "hardwiring" mean anyway?

It seems that with the advent of "clinical depression" and other psychologically-based ailments (e.g. anger-issues, addiction, childhood attention dis-orders, etc.)more and more often getting blamed on biology, just about every mysterious ailment has become hereditary. In the great arc of the endless debate between nature versus nurture, nature is by far away taking the causal lead on just about everything these days. I have no doubt that the pendulum will swing back over time, and that recognition of environmental, cultural, and developmental factors will once again be recognized as playing a significant role in bringing us to whatever sorry state we may find ourselves. But, for now, at least, most of us seem to take umbrage in labeling our issues, challenges and deficits hardwired--hence, unchangeable.

Ironically, it is science itself, which may restore the nature/nurture conundrum back towards a more nuanced and balanced approach to human behavior. Science has a wonderful habit of de-bunking its own theories as a matter of course, and today it is rapidly re-discovering what Freud, even with his limited purview on the human mind, understood implicitly with his theories of the unconscious and developmental psychology: the brain itself--the supposed home front of "hardwiring"--is malleable, adaptable and changeable.

Brain scientists are beginning to understand that the neuronal pathways, nerves cells, and the web of synapses that comprise the deep cellular structure of our brains, is always evolving, re-organizing, re-aligning and being re-born anew--even well into adulthood and beyond. New research bringing together the best knowledge of neuroscience and psychiatry, such as, "The Brain that Changes Itself" by Norman Doige, MD. relates amazing tales of human adaptability that truly call into question the notion that the so-called "wiring" in our brains is "hard" in any way, shape or form.

So if the latest research is accurate, and our brains ARE quite adaptable and changeable, what are we to do about this tendency to default to the "hardwiring" narrative?

In the context of my work around "Life-Shifting", what I've come to see is that these kinds of expressions, especially when spoken in the context of anxiety, stress and worry, are usually a cover-up for FEAR....and fear, in this case, is a very understandable response to CHANGE IN THE WORKS. In other words, when you find yourself defaulting to "I'm hardwired to be ______",(e.g. anxious, fearful, worried, fill-in-the-blank with your favorite), it usually means that some aspect of your life is ready to shift, ready to release, ready to be, in fact, re-newed. BUT, because change is uncomfortable even for the most adaptable of us, our minds will resist the pull towards change, and in an effort to "protect" us from the unknown, hold us hostage for a period of time--until we just LET GO.

Life is a continuous cycle of renewal--birth, growth, decay, death, re-birth--and we are not immune to nature's ways. What we find discomforting is the reality that we can't control when, how, or in what manner change may arrive. Life is a joy, yes, but it is also a mystery.

So the next time you find yourself feeling down, distraught, anxious or depressed, and you begin to ask if perchance you're "hardwired" for misery, try asking yourself a different question:

What pattern might I be stuck in--at work, in my relationships, in my life? in the case of my client above, when he stepped back, took a deep breath, and contemplated the change that might be in the works for him, he realized that he was BORED with his job, his living situation, and many aspects of his life. He actually DESIRED change...but feared it....and worried about it. As do we all. That is nature's way...but it is not hardwired to any circuit that can't be broken...with a deep breath, a shift towards recognition that change is inevitable, and an opening towards releasing that which no longer serves us.

So check your wiring..and don't be afraid to blow a few circuits now and again...you may just re-wire the system...and light up your life!


Dr J

The Inside Passage

Just back from the "dream" vacation: I took an Alaska cruise with a small group of friends and family. So many people have raved to me about the amazing scenery and wildlife in the far north country that I decided to take the plunge...literally (almost) into the icy waters due north. Of course, it wasn't lost on me that if you want to see Alaska in a pristine state, you need to move quickly...in case our dear friend John McCain gets elected. Ok, that's for another blog.

So let me share with you a bit of my experience. The highlights: Amazing views of slow melting glaciers (kind of like watching the hairline of the planet recede), huge pink salmon running in the wrong direction (against the current!)in search of spawning holes, a flock of bald eagles eagerly eyeing the unsuspecting salmon from above (whoever said that eagles don't flock has never been to Alaska!), and many small fishing/tourist towns that seem to pop up in 3d right out of 19th century gold rush days. It was a great trip and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to see some of the fast disappearing wilderness that stretches across the northern reaches of the continent.

What's really striking however, about taking a cruise to Alaska, is the stark contrast between the "boat ride" (understatement of the century)itself and the meandering sojourn it takes up through Glacier Bay, otherwise known as the "Inside Passage". For me, the journey through unspoiled vistas of nature at her finest prompted a deep longing for solitude, repose, and inner reflection, laced with a constant flow of gratitude--gratitude for the awesome beauty of the place, the majestic serenity and power of nature. Yet, at the same time, I found myself confronted--more like assaulted--with daily reminders of how far away from the gentle rhythms of nature we have come in our pursuit of material comforts, entertainments, and endless distraction. With over 3000 of my closest pals--at least as members of the same species!--surrounding me at every bend in the tide, I was shocked to see just how little most people cared about the Alaska in which we were duly enveloped. What was on the minds of most people? Well, let's see, there was eating, eating and more eating. There was gambling, and bingo, and bad Broadway knock-offs (otherwise known as "entertainment"). There were abundant swimming pools, hot tubs, shuffle board games, and, of course, a cocktail lounge strategically perched on every corner. To top it all off, this wondrous sailing city even had its very own bowling alley, replete with Titanic style over-the-top appointments and neon lighting (so one could indulge in bowling twenty-four hours a day!). Gee, golly wow.

So here we are, thousands of miles away from anywhere one might recognize in the lower forty-eight, surrounded by bears, and eagles and salmon and pristine blue glacial waters for as far as the eye could see, and what do we modernistas focus on: stuffing ourselves, drinking and gambling, with a little bowling through in for good measure.

Now, I'm sure that many who read this will think of me as a bit of a spoil sport regarding the wonders of "cruising" (which is what the aficionados of the big boat vacation call it), but the truth is, I'm not really down on cocktail binging, buffet-style gluttony or even late night neon bowling parties, all of which seem perfectly apt in places like Las Vegas (why else would one head purposely into the middle of the desert?). No, I have to admit that I enjoyed all the splendorous and overly abundant food, drinks and distractions readily available at all hours of the day and night. I just couldn't help but wonder why being in the Inside Passage didn't lead more people on a journey towards their own inside passage: reflecting on the awesome balance of nature, the interconnectedness of humanity and wilderness, and most clearly, how we humans are truly a tiny blip on the radar screen of a planet in peril. The experience was, in a word: humbling.

Perhaps it is just this sense of our insignificance that leads many of us to seek the distractions of endless external pleasure as a way to drown out the truth: nature is magnificent, powerful and generally unconcerned with our momentary visit on this planet. Yet, for me, the experience of a profound humility in the face of majestic scope of nature, was deeply moving, calming, and comforting. In moments of deep reverence, I could truly understand how we were simply gliding along a major, unclogged highway on the circulating system that is the body of Mother Earth. She is very much alive and we are on the Inside Passage--as temporary visitors--all the time.

I hope to one day go back. On a smaller vessel, maybe one with fewer late-nite buffets, and sans twenty-four hour cable TV, bingo, and black jack. In my heart of hearts I long to step out of that alienated, abandoned energy that permeates what we ironically call "civilization"--to step off the spinning wheel of distraction long enough to truly drink in the calm, azure icy waters that run through the veins of the earth.

If you get a chance to sojourn through your own "Inside Passage" -- whether in Alaska or in your own heart, let me know.

Happy Cruising!

Dr J